


happy girl

by imjoonswhore



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Alcohol, Drugs, Experimentation, F/F, F/M, High School, Horny Teenagers, Later Smut, New Friends, Personal Growth, Teen Angst, depressing shit, riley finding herself
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-25 12:36:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18261431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imjoonswhore/pseuds/imjoonswhore
Summary: In which Riley Matthews stops believing in fairytales and happy endings....Or, Riley Matthews realizes she doesn't have to have the same pair of friends for the rest of her life.





	happy girl

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This is a much more realistic and darker take on Girl Meets World, so be aware of the dark themes that may pop up. If you're expecting a peppy Riley and all that cute fluffy friendship crap, I suggest not reading this.

"You're just too much."

An odd sort of ringing began in Riley's ear, drumming loudly throughout her brain and she wondered distantly if she was having an aneurism. She absently reached for her head and realized that she was in fact, not having one.

Ah, but the harsh words Lucas had spewed to her had certainly made it feel that way. She was clueless as to what to say to him, but he quickly left. Riley felt a sense of cold dread fill inside her, and it wasn't the sort of things she felt when she was pushed away by friends and family, or looked down on by everyone. It was different, more raw and painful and as she shut her locker door and grabbed her things she understood it clearly.

It was the feeling of reality.

Reality had finally made itself known and she didn't like it. All the things she had been ignoring resurfaced from the ocean of pain she called her heart and slapped her in the face.

Riley steadied herself and took a deep breath. She ignored the maddening thoughts in her head and ran out the school, not worried that there was still twenty minutes left of classes. No one would notice anyway. No one ever did.

New York was crisp and cool, a contrast as to how everyone in New York looked, always rushed and stressed. Riley walked to the subway station and hurried to find a seat before someone else did. She managed a spot next to an older woman and plugged in her headphones.

The music and noisy activity did nothing to relinquish her thoughts, however.

Lucas had called her too much. Too much of what? Too much of being this persona that everyone else but her seemed to have sculpted? It was exhausting to be so bright and cheery when she just wanted to be less colorful and more grey. But that would lead to distress among her friends and inevitably, "Oh, Riley this isn't you!" or the annoying, "Stop being so sad, Riles, you have it all!" Of course. She had a family who rarely saw her as who she was and wanted to live through her, friends who only liked her a certain way, a boy who was unfairly stringing her along, and a empty feeling in her chest that was not placed by her.

Yes, she definitely had it all.

That wasn't to say she wasn't grateful, as she often times felt guilty for thinking this way and blaming others. But was it so wrong to think of herself for once? Why was it selfish when she did it and not Maya? Oh, because Maya had a bad life. End of story. Riley sometimes resented her best friend for having so much support all just because she grew up without a father. Painful, yes, but she knew Maya would've been better off without him.

Riley huffed in slight anger and glared at her girly lock screen on her phone. It was peppered with rainbows and unicorns, just as anyone would expect from Smiley Riley.

She hated it.

She hated everything about that damned Smiley Riley persona. Always seeing the best in people, always smiling, extra friendly and full of fucking sparkles.

Riley even dressed accordingly, wearing whatever Maya thought suited her and wearing whatever might please her friends. Because that's all she was, a dog eager to please.

As the subway screeched to a stop and people started shoving each other to get out, amidst the chaos, something cracked in Riley.

Something shattered and fell to the floor and she knew. She was done. The glass of insecurities and anguish was broken and done.

When she exited the subway, she suddenly felt colder.

.  
.  
.

Dinner had brought empty conversations and fake smiles that made Riley feel weary. This was much more different than how she was when she was actively getting bullied. She felt disgusted and she wasn't sure by what. Either being repulsed with herself or the world, she wasn't sure. All she knew was that her fathers lessons were so, so terribly wrong.

Her father taught of a world that was perfect and peaceful, not the one she was struggling in right now. The world she was in didn't care and didn't accept her. That was cruel reality.

She scraped some of the lasagna her mother made with her fork, but she didn't have an appetite.

"So, how was school Riley? Did Maya ace her math test?" her father asked while reading the news on his tablet.

Ah. Maya. Nothing about his own daughter.

She shrugged and finished chewing her bland food. "Yeah, she got a B+."

"That's so great! I think I'm gonna treat her for some dessert at that new bakery, Topanga," Corey enthused, quite proud with Maya's work.

Riley almost wanted to snort. The hilarity of how obviously her father favored her best friend was astounding.

She shoveled down her meal and put her plate away, smiling big for her mom and dad as she rushed to her room.

When she was safe inside with the door locked, she flopped on her bed and sighed heavily. She was finally free.

Only for a while until the tiring process of being a different person was required again.

Suddenly, a startling thought struck her as she stood up and sat down on her bay window.

What if she just didn't pretend anymore?

Riley almost laughed at herself, but gripped her seat as the choice of doing that sunk in.

She would possibly lose her friends and family, be alone forever and be even more pathetic than before. But, if she didn't she would be stuck in the endless cycle of imprisonment and never be able to be her own person.

Frustrated and getting angry, she paced her room and breathed heavily, not daring to let a single tear fall down her face. She was done being that submissive, crying girl. But, completely throwing everything away?

The sun was setting and she saw her hazy reflection in the window, distorted and muggy. When she stepped closer it was sharper and clearer, leaving a glowing ray to settle on her pale face.

Have I been happy? Happy to be this way?

And with a strained smile on her face, she shook her head, knowing that she hadn't been truly happy in a very long time.

With that answer, Riley sat down and stared at the setting sun for a while, the shadows masking the silent tears that rolled down her face.  
.  
.  
.  
Riley woke and wanted to pretend like she didn't.

She slipped out of her thick sheets and padded towards her closet, feeling sluggish and out of depth.

The light outside was dim and she could barely see the clothes in her closet as she rummaged for an outfit. She pulled out an outfit that she'd normally wear and frowned.

Riley crumpled the clothes and threw them back in and this time pulled out a deep blue tee and some regular skinny jeans. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, but it was a step away from the glittery clothes she always wore. Her friends would definitely notice.

She shrugged and slipped on the clothes, grabbing some black vans and lacing them on. If she was being honest with herself, she looked just like any other teenager. Normal.

Riley would take normal any day.

Smiling slightly, she styled her hair into a ponytail and finished her daily routine. When she was done, her hands hovered over her door handle. She internally prayed that today would be okay. Taking a deep breath, she opened her door and went into the kitchen, her family already sitting down and eating. Including Maya.

Riley almost wanted to go back and change, but willed herself to go forward calmly, preparing a bowl of cereal like nothing was wrong.

"Mornin' Riles. Did you see my texts? You weren't responding at alllll," Maya complained, not looking towards Riley yet.

"Ah, sorry I fell asleep early and barely checked my phone."

That was a total lie, as she had purposely ignored all her texts and instead had been scrolling through tumblr.

Riley grabbed a spoon and sat down next to Maya, chewing her bland cereal nauseously.

Maya finally looked at her.

A beat of silence passed.

She lowered down to Riley's ear and whispered, "What the hell are you wearing? Are you feeling okay?"

Slight anger pooled in Riley's stomach and she almost yelled at Maya. Of course she couldn't wear something that wasn't all glittery and cheerful without someone making a fuss. Christ.

"I feel great."

She almost spit those words out and Maya noticed her harsh demeanor, staring at her with furrowed brows.

"Oh gosh, guys. I totally forgot I had to stop by the library real quick to drop off an overdue book. Can I leave early and just meet Dad and Maya at school?" Riley asked with a deceiving smile.

Her father looked from his newspaper and nodded. "Yeah, that's fine."

Riley remembered a time when her father didn't want her out of sight and now he could barely give a damn about her. She didn't know whether she should feel relieved or disappointed.

Waving goodbye, Riley packed her things and quickly departed, not bothering to return Maya's curious stares.  
.  
.  
.  
Since she didn't have to go to the library she decided to stop at a cafe and grab a hot pastry that would make her feel a little more warm inside. Riley waited for her order at an empty table, eyeing the sticky spots of syrup on it. She supposed her step towards freedom hadn't turned out too bad. She just worried if she could keep it up.

Because, she questioned grimly, who really was Riley Matthews?

Smiling? No. Seeing the best in everyone? Not anymore.

Who am I?

When her warm jelly filled pastry was ready, she didn't have time to think about it.


End file.
